Crochet as therapy

January of 2011 was probably the worst month I had dealt with up to that point. December 17, 2010 I found out I was pregnant (after trying for about 7 years to get pregnant again). We were SOOOOO excited!!!! I scheduled my first appointment around 7 weeks and went in to be seen. They confirmed I was pregnant, still excited. They then did an ultrasound. I had a substitute doc since my midwife was out sick. The doc sounded dreary, and knowing what to look for on an ultrasound since I'd done it once before with my son, I knew something was wrong. My husband didn't notice anything off right away.

There was no heartbeat.

Utter sadness took over. The doc said maybe it was still too early, so we were told to come back in about a week. That was a long week. We went back, and had another ultrasound. Still nothing and no growth. This time I had my midwife and she had us go into a room and talk. We talked about options. We talked about the fact that I was going to have a miscarriage, it was just a matter of time. I opted to deal on my own. I didn't want a doc's intervention unless it was necessary. So we went home and waited for the "labor" to start.

This was probably one of the saddest moments of my life. I started a blanket, patchwork, to pass the time and try to avoid the heartache I was feeling. I worked little by little. On January 27, 2011, I had a miscarriage. I cried all day, felt lonely, felt like a failure, I felt like the world was ending. I was sooooooooo sad and in such a deep depression that it hurt.

I continued to work on the blanket. I lost almost a month working on it. I do not remember doing it. I do not remember starting it, or working through it, sewing it together, and finishing it. But somehow, not only did I make it through a hard time in my life, but I have something to show for it. Something that I can remember. When I miss the possibility of expanding our family at that time, I can snuggle with that blanket and think of my baby.

We named our baby Freeman Patricia (after my favorite uncle and my husband's favorite aunt). We didn't know a sex of the baby, so we went with a male/female name.

Looking back now, I'm glad I had crochet. I'm not sure how I would have made it through that time in my life. Crochet has been my life saver. I can't imagine it not being a part of my life.